Alone and lost

My trainer has been travelling due to his work a lot and the last lesson with him I had in June.
Since that I have been very lost.
My problem is that I try this and that and this again. I kind of try to find a special key or magic which would fix all the problems once,would make my horse a flying unicorn and we would fly away to the sun rise.
Well,I have not been able to find the magic key yet. And I am so lost.

I did have three lessons on my horses with my trainers son. Both of my boys were practically flying on his lesson.We practiced stopping with spur and in this way making the horse to tilt the pelvis. Never have I felt Ocsi moving so well. He was half a meter shorter and it felt like sitting on a ball.

Both my horses turned into them selves after the lesson.Small,normal lipizzans with their flat trots and problems. So,no magic key then there either...

I am angry and disapointed to myself.I should know better already.It needs a lot of work an patient to train a horse.I often find myself being unfair to Ocsi. He is ridden so little and looking back now,has done enormous  steps in his schooling.Still,I rarely feel satisfied with him or my work with him.This is were I need eyes on the ground. Not just any eyes,but Ms eyes. He made me work relaxed and well. Alone I am lost.

There was a small magical key in the spur-stopping. I did actually give me a great tool to make more balanced halts especially with Ocsi cause no hand is needed. And with Cseles I have got few really nice trot collecting by hugging with the leg. The horse is thinking about the tilting the pelvis and the butt comes under.

We did this practise combined with shoulder-in on a circle and then forwards. Today I got a short ball-feeling-moment with Ocsi after doing the exercise good with Ocsi,so maybe the nirvana will one day reach us?

Why I then dont train with Ms son?
I do adore him. If I could adopt him,I would.Such a nice guy with no ego.
But there is something I do not like in his riding. Its a lot of spur. Surprise? And he do not consentrate on relaxing the jaw and he is more modern than M. I feel the horses should be worked much more slower. But what do I know? At the moment I think I know nothing.
I watch great videos in youtube,read great books and go to get fustrated while riding.

There has even been several days when I have lost the burn to ride. I have lost the flow,which I used to have and the worst thing in it is,that I blame my horses. Ocsi I think is just so autistic and not hot etc, and Cseli is broken. What has happened with me? Where is the joy? Where is my feel for my horses?
Is it lost under the every day worries and stress? I doubt that,since riding used to be my meditation.

Is it lost due to cruel riding I have witnessed in Spain? Bleeding sides of horses,bleeding mouths sometimes, knacking temporo-mandibular joints,Schoolmasters sunken back,lame horses,horses who stand inside several days,a three year old getting whipped until the whip breaks up due to him being scared of entering the arena...

Pulling,kicking,sweat,whip... I used to be so against all that and terrified. Am I getting numb?  Blind? Is ego getting over me? Do I also want to have flashy hot PREs which you can make fly by force?
Nothing beautiful has never come out from force.

Then why I ride with anger? (Now speaking about Ocsi,who I am in trouble with.) Dont get me wrong. My horses dont bleed,but there is a big change in my own attitude,which makes me sick,terrified and disapointed. I am alone and lost.
It is all so important for me. I have used years and years for riding. I wanted so much and I enjoyed it. And my dream was to move to Spain to get good training. Did I find it? Yes and no. Absolutely yes for changing my horses completely. I have learned so so so much. And no in some ways I cannot put in words.
Sorry,about such a unclear post. Its hard to put my thoughts written as they are not clear in my head either.



I feel I need to find a quiet place where I would not be exposed to any kind of harsh training. A place where someone tells me how to train my horses exactly and not be left alone.I need a clear pedagogic approach and system as I am a very hard working cerebral student.I need someone to give me confidence  As obviously,I get nuts when left alone. I loose my mind and probably do more harm than good.
Mostly harm for myself.As I need the burn to ride,the flow and the meditation which I have got from my horses over years and years. Now I have been after something else. And that is the problem. I am lost and alone.